Ever since the car accident, I feel like I’m on a lifelong quest to put myself back together again. I definitely did not want to embark on this journey, but that's life for you- throwing hardships at you when you least expect it and feel like you can't handle anymore suffering. If my life was a pile of leaves, it was like someone took a leaf blower to it as I just watch all the leaves fall pack in a random chaotic order. My mom used to refer to me trying to remember what I was saying as "catching my bunnies". So often in the beginning years after TBI, I couldn't remember what I was talking about while in the middle of talking and my mom would refer to it as me trying to "catch those bunnies." I remember so many times I would get SO mad at myself if I forgot what I was saying or what the point of my tangent was or if I couldn't find the word I was looking for to describe something. I wouldn't just get pissed and then move on either. I would get furiously mad at myself and perseverate on it for hours. It would ruin my mood for a long time. I used to give my inner critic so much power it's actually mind-blowing looking back on it and how far I've managed to come in the past few years (but it took working on self acceptance and giving myself grace daily to get there). I would criticize myself repeatedly everyday far worse than anyone else could. That was my go-to mental strategy for self talk. Looking back at that version of myself, I just feel so bad for freshly brain damaged survival mode Meg. She was doing her damnedest while also being criticized harsher than ever in a time where she could do less than ever.
It is SO hard to teach yourself how to catch self criticism & negative self talk. I just took a minute to take some deep breaths and focus on my breathing and it started right up again. I can't let my guard down for a second even when I’m tired or else the most commonly used neural-pathways for my ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) will light up and I’ll be right back in that place again. The place I worked my ass off getting out of. That’s what motivates me. I don’t ever want to be there again and that is what fuels me to keep working everyday on things like self talk and self care. This is also why I’m such a big advocate of helmets also. I can’t risk another brain injury and I want to do whatever I can to help those I know be less at risk too. Several doctors and neuroscientists have already explained to me that I’m at risk for early onset Dementia. They reassured me that as long as I don’t get anymore TBIs, I should be okay though.
Off-topic, but there is a song lyric by Rilo Kiley that just popped into my head as I was writing and I'm going to put it out there in case someone else could benefit from it the way I have for so long:
"All of your failures are training grounds."
No matter how full our plate is and how defeated we feel, remembering that all things happen for a reason can be hugely helpful. Sometimes that reason doesn't become clear to us for years. Sometimes that reason is simply to make us grow into a better, more resilient version of ourselves.
Here are some notes from when I attended the Acquired Brain Injury Program at Coastline Community College about cognitive distortions which are types of ANTS. The notes get a bit cut off because they were hand written on my iPad, but they go on to talk about how to break cognitive distortions. The first step is examining the evidence & knowing your deficits. Being able to recognize them in yourself is half the battle. These cognitive distortions often stem from FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). When we take the time to examine that evidence, we can then recognize the distortion which allows us to find new ways to compensate for them.
